The Red Legacy

The Red Legacy :: Generation Two :: 1775 - 1781

2007-01-13T23:28:42Z

After the birth of her daughter, Emmy was exhausted, and stood there flailing around as James grinned on.

Apparently he has never seen anyone so exhausted in his life, and feels the need to congratulate her on it.

Thankfully, it isn't long until Caroline's birthday.

Emmy is excited. After all, taking care of a toddler can't possibly be hard... right?

James cheers on, but seems slightly dazed.

James is initially pleased with his daughter. She looks fairly normal, and not in the least insane.

James: So I saw this HUGE bug today...

Emmy: Nevermind the bugs, let's make babies!
James: Well, all right!

Emmy: Ugghhhhhhh, why didn't I let him keep talking about the bugs?

James was constantly bringing insane people home from work with him, but most of them were harmless. This one, however, seemed to have developed an obsession with Emmy. But she wasn't having him.

Stalker: Fly with me! We'll escape this dreary world together!
Emmy: Don't you know I'm a married woman, with a child?
Stalker: Er... no?
Emmy: You came home with my husband!

In between visits from the Stalker, Emmy's pregnancy became obvious, although it was no secret, given the fact that she had been throwing up and passing out every ten minutes.

She was also plagued by nightmares...

Emmy: What? GAH! Who is that strange man? Oh, right... I married him...

Emmy was starving all the time, but as soon as she sat down to eat, she fell asleep in her food.

As soon as she got up from her chair, she fainted again.

Emmy was really having a wretched time of it. I'm not sure where James was during all of this - possibly trying to get a promotion at the pub - and it's a mystery how Caroline survived.

Here's James at last, pretending to be a responsible parent, while his wife drowns in a bowl of soup behind him.

Caroline grows up and seems confused.

Caroline: This is my family?

It's birthin' time!

James slumbers on, dreaming about how horrible Emmy would look as a blonde.

Someone was right there to witness the birth, however.

It's another girl! Who looks exactly like the last one! Her name is Marianne!

Stalker: Oh yes, clap clap clap, but none of you will be clapping soon, I say!

The Stalker has a habit of coming over randomly and singing extremely suspect Canadian folk songs to the baby.

Stalker: Guile, my son - er - daughter, I'll shape your belief, and you'll always know that your father's a thief! And you won't understand the cause of your grief, but you'll always follow the voices beneath!

Poor Caroline gets a lecture from her father.

James: Now, Caroline, you're responsible for looking after your little sister. You can't just let strange men take her out of her crib and fill her mind with this kind of Arthurian nonsense.

Caroline's relationship with her father was on rocky ground, but James didn't notice...

He was too busy burning the house down and screaming like a girl. None of the neighbours rushed over to help (they were probably cheering from the sidelines) so James was forced to take matters into his own hands.

He threw bucket after bucket of water over the flames, until finally the fire was put out.

Immediately afterward, he thinks about how angry he is that his house got robbed five years ago.

Oh, look, it's time for ~~the clone~~ Marianne to grow up!

Um... yes. Somehow I lost basically all the pictures of Marianne I had. That, or I just never took any. But you're not really missing anything because she is, indeed, a clone of her older sister. So here's a shot of James and Emmy in the process of making another baby, even though Emmy seems to nearly die every time she's pregnant.

Emmy hopes that her next child doesn't end up like Caroline. That poor girl... her own parents hate her.

Emmy: So, er, you know that man who's stalking me...
James: Oh, him! Ha ha! Yes, what about him?

Emmy: Well, I am a bit concerned.
James: Nonsense, Emmy, you're being silly! Stalker is a very upstanding sort of man, I'm sure you have nothing to worry about.

Emmy: Well, if you say so. But he has tried to kidnap the children eleven times. This week.

Who should show up soon after, but Stalker himself. He stood there making strange hand gestures at Emmy as she tried to mop the floor and ignore him.

Then he turned to Psycho Phoebe's father and tried to cast some sort of spell on him.

Psycho Phoebe's Father: What are you casting spells at me for, what did I ever do to you?

Emmy had had enough, and walked away from both of them.

This is Caroline's only friend. The other children call her Deformed Delilah.

One surviving picture of Marianne. She's about to grow up into a child and give Caroline someone to play with, besides Deformed Delilah, and her dolls, and her imaginary friends who will one day help her to rise up and destroy her parents!

Still, she doesn't seem too excited.

That's better.

Here it is, your moment of zen: Emmy gives birth to...

A baby boy! He looks just like his father! His name is Edward Red!

Emmy celebrates the birth by passing out in her food again.

Will Caroline ever win her parents' love? Will Marianne make an appearance? And what will little Edward be like? Find out all this and more... APPROXIMATELY A WEEK FROM TODAY!

Part 1, if you missed it.

The Red Legacy :: Generation One :: 1772 - 1775

2007-01-06T19:34:27Z

Introducing James Red IV, born July 12th 1750, son of James Red III of Alisondria. Unfortunately, James IV was obliged to leave Alisondria under a cloud of disgrace for accidentally killing his father's favourite goldfish.

With the meagre coins that his mother had given him out of sympathy, James was able to purchase this run-down shack on the outskirts of Bogbury.

James was initially optimistic after meeting some of his neighbours. His goal was to get married as soon as possible in order to begin his legacy, which he supposed would stretch for at least ten generations, to prove to his father that he wasn't good for nothing after all. Nevermind that both James and his father would be dead by the time the tenth generation was born.

There seemed to be plenty of women to choose from in order to fulfill the glorious role of being his wife. Unfortunately...

None of them seemed to take to him.

This one shall henceforth be known as Psycho Phoebe.

James's compliments didn't seem to phase Psycho Phoebe. In fact, she seemed a bit embarrassed by him. Psycho Phoebe had a sister as well, but I'm not sure what happened to her.

James: You have lovely -
Psycho Phoebe: I'm not allowed to talk to men!

Psycho Phoebe's father: Are you trying to take advantage of my daughter?!
James: No, really, I was just trying to be friendly!

James: So I recently travelled here from Alisondria -
Crazy Kitty: I'm not buying it.

Psycho Phoebe: I heard James Red was transported here by genies to plague us!
Psycho Pheobe's sister: *Gasp* I hate genies!

Psycho Phoebe's youngest sister is disgusted by James.

Then all the ladies stood around and laughed at him. James was distraught.

He went to sleep and hoped that the next day would bring ~~non-psycho women~~ better things.

Soon after he first arrived in Bogbury, James got a job working at the local pub. That's a pretty expensive-looking jacket you're wearing to work at the tavern there, James. I guess he doesn't care about getting mugged.

A few weeks later, James sees Psycho Phoebe&sisters' father again.

James: Hello there, sir! I was wondering if you could convince one of your daughters to marry me?

Psycho Phoebe's father was not impressed.

Psycho Phoebe's father: I don't like you! You'd better just watch your back!

James was furious. Nobody spoke to him like that!

He was angry at everyone, including Crazy Kitty, and vowed never to associate with his neighbours again. And he didn't. For months.

Until this random prostitute followed him home from work one night.

This excited James's more noble feelings. Maybe she was only a prostitute, but he had to marry someone, and time was running out! He was nearly 24! And perhaps he could save this poor girl from a life of prostitution!

But the prostitute seemed to have other ideas.

Prostitute: Wait a minute, is this a shack?!

James: Well, yes, but - will you marry me?

Prostitute: Are you insane? I only followed you home because I thought you were rich! Unless you've got a lot of money to pay me, I'm leaving.

James: Well, I'll have you know that that may very well be the case.
Prostitute: Oh! Well, in that case...
James: But actually... it isn't.

The prostitute was not amused.

Prostitute: Get the hell away from me!
James: But this is my shack...!

Prostitute: What makes you think that a girl like me would want to live in a shack like this?

James: A thousand apologies, Madam... I never should have presumed... in fact, I am the eldest son of a very wealthy gentleman in Alisondria, and I'm only living in this shack in order to, er - gain experience, so that I can empathise with the poor!

Prostitute: Oh, well, in that case...! When are you moving back home?

James: In about two hundred years, I should imagine.

The prostitute had had enough. James was dejected, but she didn't look too concerned.

The prostitute stormed out of the shack, and James sulked in the corner.

Yet another woman in Bogbury who now despises poor James. Is there no hope at all?

That night, James dreams of Crazy Kitty, and he weighs his options. Crazy Kitty isn't related to Psycho Phoebe, and she also isn't a prostitute. Could she be the one?

Crazy Kitty: Why are you talking to me?

James: Well, you know, I thought we could put the past behind us, and...
Crazy Kitty: . . .

Crazy Kitty: I heard you travelled here to kill us all!

James: Kitty, come back! I wasn't sent here by demons to destroy the town, I swear!

Kitty: Oh really? Guess what I heard!
James: Er... what?

Kitty: Ahaha! Ohoho! Hehe... hehe... it's the funniest thing! The reason everyone hates you! Is because Psycho Phoebe's father started the rumours about you being dropped here by evil spirits!

James thanks Kitty, and walks off to challenge Psycho Phoebe's father to a duel.

James: How dare you spread such vile slander about me, sir!

James: Go on! Go! Get off my property, scum of the earth!

Kitty: Mr. Red, how could you treat Phoebe's father like that?! He's a very sensitive man! Oh, you're so cruel!

Kitty: By the way, I love what you've done with the shack!

James and Kitty share a laugh.

James: All right, you're too crazy. I'd appreciate it if you'd leave now.

Months pass with James growing more and more alienated from his neighbours, until suddenly one night, upon returning from work, he is randomly accosted by a strange girl.

Strange Girl: Oh! Thank God! You have to help me, mister!

James: Why hello, strange young impressionable girl who I can perhaps trick into marrying me and having my heir. How can I be of assistance, fair maiden?

Strange Girl: Oh, la! Tee hee! Well, you see, it's the most awful thing... my father wants me to marry Old Man Mollestre, so I ran away!

"Never fear," says James, "I shall protect you!"

Strange Girl: Thank you so much! My name is Emmy, by the way.

James: Well, Emmy, it's the least I could do, for such a beautiful girl as yourself... you can live here with me.

Emmy: You're very good!

Emmy: OR ARE YOU? You're not trying to take advantage of me, are you, mister?

James: No, no, of course not!

Emmy: I don't believe you! I'm leaving now. You're just like all the other boys.

James: *Sigh*

But never fear! Two days later, Emmy returned saying that she'd changed her mind and that she liked James after all.

She agreed to move in with him on the condition that he didn't 'try anything'. Everything went well for the first month or so until...

Emmy: James, why don't you ever try anything? Don't you like me?

James: Well, er, but you -

Emmy: How am I supposed to know if I want to marry you if you don't kiss me?

James: Er.

Emmy: You do want to marry me, don't you, James?

James: Well, of course I do, Emmy! Kiss me, my darling!

*Trumpets*

James spent all of the year's budget for food and candles on a diamond ring for Emmy. She was delighted.

Emmy: Oh, James, it's beautiful! And I'm sure we can just steal food from the neighbours!

Sure, Emmy was a little mad... but compared to the rest of the neighbourhood, James thought he'd got pretty lucky indeed.

James wants Emmy to know that despite the rumours she has probably heard, he wasn't sent to Bogbury by ghosts.

Emmy: Oh, no, that's ridiculous. I heard it was genies.

James: Um, no... it wasn't genies either.

James: So, er, since we're getting married soon anyway...

Emmy: What are you implying?

Emmy: Oh, that! Of course, darling! All of my friends will be so jealous, tee hee! (All of Emmy's friends turn out to be one 15-year-old boy.)

While James and Emmy are fornicating, they have an unexpected visitor!

James stands around looking useless as the thief steals everything of value.

Basically, the bookshelf that was Emmy's dowry.

Emmy is extremely upset by the theft of her beloved bookshelf.

She's also been feeling a bit ill lately, hmm...

But there is no time for dwelling on stolen bookcases and possible, er, confinements, because it is James and Emmy's wedding day.

The newlyweds kiss as Emmy's one friend grins on.

James then proceeds to break down into tears.

"I tricked an innocent young girl into marrying me! I'm an insect!"

Actually, James, I think it's more like she tricked you into marrying her...

James: *Sniff*

A few months later... Emmy goes into labour! Her husband sleeps on in the background, dreaming about how much he hates Psycho Phoebe.

AND THAT'S IT! Just kidding, because it hate it when legacy updates end right before the baby's born.

It's a girl, and her name is Caroline Red. She looks just like her mother.

James finally wakes up and relaxes on the bed, looking pleased with himself. Birth is difficult, after all!

Sorry for the crappy quality of the pictures. I'm currently using the in-game camera. Does anyone know how to take screen caps in game so that I don't have to alt-tab out every time?